After taking a full-on nap in my first lecture of the day i wasn't too keen to stay at Uni for my next two classes. The thought of having to re-live those lectures via lectopia (aka, online recordings) kept me from ditching. and i'm glad I stayed.
A strawberry (they didn't have raspberry) hot chocolate kept me warm in my (usually freezing) comparative animal physiology lecture. We learned about the cardiovascular system, interesting stuff, it made me wish Tina (the cardiologist on my softball team) was teaching the class.
The lecture on Vision and Identity in "Seeing the whole picture" struck a chord with some of my recent philosphical grapplings. The lecturer started out dicussing how the artistic medium through which something is presented, as well as the context in which it is recieved, have an effect on how it is interpreted. Identity is a projection, both in art, and in people. We want it to make sense to ourselves and to others. Therefore, who we really are inside is sort of irrelevant because it's what we project to the world as "who we are" that gets recognized--> Identity must be authenticated by a viewer.
In my opinion, who we see as the people around us are just manipulations of "true personalities" (or their non-projected personality). How people dress is a perfect example. It's so easy to be something just by changing your clothes, hair or makeup, and it's also so easy to judge somebodys "personality" based on those external physical cues. But what are we really seeing?
I'm not a huge fan of getting dressed. I hardly ever feel like i really want to be wearing what it is that i put on. I don't feel like my clothes don't reflect who i am. Then again, I'm not really sure who that is.
I'm pretty sure i'm happiest when i'm able to be silly, creative, busy, and most importantly when i'm with the people i care about the most. It's easy to be myself with them because they are miraculously able show me that I make sense and spending time with them is absolutely effortless. Trying to make sense of who i am without them leads to a tailspin of introspective hooplah.
Maybe my lecturer was right. Identity relies on the recognition of a viewer. I don't have any control over other people's interpretation of me, so is it even worth trying to identify myself in order to show them who i am? They will probably see whatever they want to see regardless. Maybe eventually, just like with my best friends, their interpretation will coincide with my true personality, and I will be able to see a fleeting glimpse of "myself" through their eyes.
Until then, my friend Kat's advice- "let it go".
Acceptance of not knowing is a terrifying possiblity...